Untitled Journal

What's the story, morning glory?

Category: Uncategorized

Post Period Entry

Lately I’ve been contemplating about the hardship of being a woman.

Recently I visited two of my girlfriends who just gave births to their daughters. Like I did too and most women except for Gisele Bunchen (just google her post baby body), they put on quite a lot of weight and looked totally different than I remembered. I went home and viewed the pics when I was at 38 weeks and right after I gave birth to Daisy. I didn’t look like myself at all..

As a woman I usually find it hard and often feel envious towards a simpler demands on life my husband has. Right after Daisy came out and still traumatized over my birth experience, I took up contraceptive pills like a hormonal crazy person. If I missed one day, I’d freak out like mad. They say these pills will change your body in some ways, normally you’ll gain weight easier than without it and I think this is probably true. I’m still having the hardest time trying to shed off the last 5 kilos to get back the weight before I was pregnant. To do that I occasionally became vegetarian, resisted my love for fine desserts and visited one place I hate most – the gym. Unlike my husband who’s the case of eat-all-you-can and still maintaining whatever figure he has been having, and at times allowed to overlook certain chores when it comes to baby and household because it is quite a norm for guys not to do those stuff.

But we working women work as hard during the day at the office, yes?  While men’s job finishes when they leave the offices, women’s seem endless – we have to work, look after ourselves, babies and husbands, take care of our health so we’re not knocked up too soon again, diet our assess off so our BMI is right, groom ourselves so we don’t look so sakai all the time and really, the list goes on. And it only gets worse and harder as time goes by. Men gets sexier as they get older and they don’t need painful surgeries or ridiculous Botox for that, but us? All of these stories of celebrities married off someone’s husbands and older men are making me insecure. Not that I don’t trust my husband, but in general, we can’t resist that fear. Being a woman is harder than a man, and sometimes I don’t think we’ve been given enough credits for. And this is also why when I conceived, as much as it is such a blessing and fun and joy to have my baby girl, I first wished for a boy. Because the life will probably be easier. Just probably.

Anyhow, I think there are also blessings in disguise that Allah bestowed upon us women for being women. I know mine, and surely I hope you girls can see yours too.

The Nanny

Tomorrow is Monday. And I will feel the guilt all over again. The agony of leaving my baby behind, see her wave me bye and I’ll have to endure 10 minutes of feeling like crap on the journey to work.

I know my home is like just 2 seconds away, and having all the flexibility I can just go back and spend an hour or so with her. But the reality is that it rarely happens because works are just piling up like nobody is taking a chill pill anymore. There’s always someone with a bungalow to build, a society that needs a shopping mall and thousands of sick person needing a hospital.

Every weekday Daisy is left with her err.. maid/nanny/Imah. Imah is a young woman in her early 20s who happened to get her job by accident. She just quit her previous job and was staying temporarily with Kak Nira, my old maid/nanny, looking for new job. I was almost done with my confinement and my supposedly maid/nanny was delayed from.. wherever she was from. I had doubt about Imah being young and quitting her last job so suddenly when my mother in law who at that time was around during my confinement told me that she was good. She can cook, cleans very well and hardworking. So I accepted Kak Nira’s plea to take her, and oh man is she good.

She irons all my clothes, including my panties and I think if she can iron my bra she really would. Everytime I asked her to bring my clothes it will come to me hot and clean. I felt really bad cos I really didn’t need her to do that much of ironing and I usually do my own underwear. I noticed that whenever she feeds Daisy she will always make sure that the baby is laying with the right posture. I mean, even I don’t do that. She even knows what needs to be done without me telling her, like wash the bottles with hot water, reduce the milk if Daisy’s dump looks thicker than usual, make healthy food for her.. things like that. In short, it’s probably not too much to say that she’s the best maid that I ever had. And this is coming from me who has been living with many maids since I could ever remember. Yes, better than Kak Nira. Well not really if you’re talking about iced Milo. Imah’s sucks. Wow, a flaw!

It’s harder for me because for some reason everytime I leave Daisy I feel like I’m leaving her to a better person. A better person in taking care of her, giving her attention and tend to her whenever she’s whiny. Cos God knows there are million of things in my mind. And sometime whenever Daisy was saying “Ma..Ma Ma” I thought maybe she was calling I-Mah instead of Ma-ma. Everytime I handed her to Imah she gets excited and waving her arms like a bird going to fly. Some days after work she wouldn’t even want me to pick her up from Imah the first time I ask of her, but eventually she’s excited to see me back. Imah is very fond of her as well, some dinner times when Daisy was being difficult on the table but I still want her around, Imah would just pick her up even I didn’t ask her to. Yes, I would still like my dinner uninterrupted but I prefer more to have Daisy dines together with us.

I don’t know, maybe this is what you get for being a working woman. You can’t get the best of both worlds although you try to get it all the time. But Fakhrul kept telling me that Daisy wants Imah like she wants a friend to play and she wants me like she wants her mummy. Which is really comforting to know because sometimes I can see the difference too. She always chooses me over Fakhrul and she gets worried whenever she thinks I disappear. On the bed, she would check if I’m still around by tapping her hand to the right.

Well I’m so glad it’s going so well for all of us. But I still wish I can wash away the guilt every Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays.

Standing in The Eyes of The World

Daisy doing acrobatic action at 3 months old.

This is Huda


I’ve been eyeing Huda everytime her parents bring her around, and I watched her play, admiring her beautiful face and her original graceful behavior even though usually, a child her age would rant and scream and do all the naughty things – except that she doesn’t.

Photographing children is usually hard, but with Huda I felt so differently. The experience was as almost photographing an adult. She took my hand and accepted my unfamiliar presence then just walked with me under the tree when I tried to find some softer light during that incredibly sunny day. She just stood there, wiped her hair off her face when the wind blew, looked down every now and again, looked far as if she was looking for her mother and then looked in the lens again. She is so beautiful beyond words.

Once in a while you get lucky photographically. I surely did with Huda.


Oh God, it’s so hot. My armpits are burning up. I find it somewhat surprising that it’s September already. Black Hawk Down is on TV. Tempting, but I’ve seen it like four times already, so I decided to check my mail.

Someone wrote to me. Someone I don’t know. One of the content of his email is;

Just wondering tho, u amik gambar for fun tak? meaning u keluar for half/full/coupla day and just go places to shoot? Or its more like shooting while u r out somewhere…Pastu, apsal sket sgt pics kat viewbook ek? (sorry cam tak puas hati lak…hehe)

My answer was a simple no. Maybe that was my approach when I first started photographing, because I believed that the only way to learn to photograph well is to photograph as often as you can. Once I’m confident with my styles and my technical abilities to photograph, I narrowed my stories and only photograph when I find relevant subjects to fulfill a titled body of work. I think it was quite important to do that to pursue self-discovery although photography is just a hobby. It’s important to know what questions you want to bring in your work, what stories you want to tell or you’ll end up with thousands of photos without understanding why you started photographing at the first place.

I’m not also establishing that my way is right and should be followed, as then again, there are many ways to achieve something. For example, let’s look up this girl – Sue Anna Joe. I’m sure among photography lovers, her name is familiar. Her artworks are distinctive. There’s a reason why you never saw (or at least I never did) landscape photography Ms Anna. She sticks to what she does best and people recognize her photographs even before they saw her name. I wonder if she applies the same principles, but you’d understand what I’m talking about.

I think I understand his concerns because every time Coldplay released their albums, I just couldn’t wait for the next one to be made. Not that I’m comparing myself to Coldplay or any great artists, but there’s a reason why there is a saying – you cannot rush art. Let it be writing, photography or architecture for that matter – these are time-consuming fields. It took Coldplay 3 years to produce The Rush of Blood to the Head, which I think their best album so far, and 2 years to make Viva La Vida, which is as mind-blowing as Parachutes that also took 2 years. Of course, photography may seem less harder to make compared to writing songs and album making, but if only any art could take as seriously long.

I’m not depending on photography to make a living. I guess it would be understandable to go out and photograph randomly if I were. Just dump them in some stock photography websites and wait for money to roll in. Bazuki Muhammad used to tell me it gets harder for senior photographers like him since that concept being introduced, because there will come a point where photography will get so easy that photographer as a profession won’t even be relevent anymore. I can’t help but sharing the same opinion, hence I’m taking my works as seriously as I can. Not as simple as going out for a couple of hours to shoot or shooting whenever I’m out, and then parade it like some serious shit good photography.

People also asks, where do I get my ideas from? I’d like to say, from some Idea Factory Shops. Duh.

You know what, who knows?

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