Untitled Journal

What's the story, morning glory?

Category: Love

Post-Renan

20150206-134552.jpg Now, has it been that long and all that quick at the same time? It felt like it was only days ago I was scared shitless of getting into labor and now already has started worried sick waiting for my next period to be on time. Hahaha. Life indeed goes on for me, although not the exact same life, not with the same status and definitely not the same version of myself. I’m a mother of two. Can you believe it, because sometimes I still can’t. I know some women naturally envisioned themselves to be a mother, but I hardly had that when I was younger. And now here I am, struggling to finish an episode of Game of Thrones, trying to get a baby to sleep and hushing a toddler not to be loud at the same time. But look at those two. As scary and daunting motherhood can be, the sight of them just makes it all worth it. Pre-labor was pretty boring obviously. The waiting game, the resting phase, the eat-all-you-can period was not particularly enjoyable. Time felt really slow and you just sort of live day by day until the moment comes. I think that also contributed my decision to be induced this time, other than not having any show at all despite being just 4 days close to due date. Very unlike when I was with Daisy. Although had a semi-natural (my version of normal with epidural) birth with Renan, surrendering myself on that day at the hospital felt all but. It felt really confusing and overwhelmed being able to know when you’re having a baby. I just wanted to move on. I also wanted to be in control as much as I could of the birthing experience and save myself from all the drama like when having Daisy. So I guess being induced was the right decision. Sometimes I kept thinking that the ways that you’re going to welcome your children into this world have already been written for you. There’s no point of overthinking it but to just go with your intuition at that moment and time. And the rest of it, you let Allah performs the magic. photo 1 (2) Life resumed pretty immediately post-labor. I for one couldn’t wait to go outside and by outside I really meant trees, leaves, mushrooms on wet logs, ray of sun through the woods, fresh oxygen (you get the idea) kinda outside. I started going back to climbing gym 30 days post-partum (please don’t tell my Mama and rest assured I took it reeaaaallly easy on myself), hiked up Bukit Tabur 2 weeks after that and just ran my first 5km 3 days ago. (OK, I exaggerated the last part – ran and mostly walked actually). As much as I love snuggling under the duvet until almost noon with Renan during confinement, pumping ma boobies and finishing off Breaking Bad while at it, I also couldn’t wait to get back being all bossy on the construction sites I left off. I missed the illuminating feeling seeing things I draw being built. I guess I’ve been catching up with my old life so much that I forgot that this blank space is also an old good life. I need to be reminded now and again the importance of writing – of putting my emotions and documenting this short, borrowed life into words. But you know, most days there are just no words. 20150428-214950.jpg This is my view from up the wall on Friday nights now. People has been saying how I’m already trying to start him young, but really, my reply will always be “.. only if he feels like it.” Of course I would love him to be all adventurous, as Renan means fresh, invigorating and Aydeen means hands, power,strength. He got a lot of weight in his name to be the kind of guy who’s up for things but truly, I won’t impose anything if he doesn’t want to. As for now, I’m only bringing him in because I kinda have to if I want to climb – nobody to look after him at home! Thankfully he’s usually sound asleep when we start our session and wakes when we’re done. And whenever he did wake in the middle of things, he really enjoys the attention of climbers who usually are very fond of babies. 20150428-215016.jpg

Renan’s first visit to our playground! He was about 2 months old here.

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photo 1 (1) photo 2 Oh my, them babies really don’t know how to take their time growing up. Since it has been a long time that Daisy was all chubby and gomol-able, you can imagine how ecstatic I have been that I barely have any time to write. Renan is such a chilled and happy baby that his presence into our world makes me feel closed-book complete. It feels like it was a long way to be in this place and position. Do you remember how I was when I was a student? Or before I got married? Or when I found out I was with Daisy and now that I am holding my second baby? That was such a distance.

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4 Years Young

Dear Daisy.
You turned 4 last month.
I don’t want to say much, except, how much I love you.

10 Things I Love About You

Dear Daisy. You’re about 2 years and 7 months now. I just want to say how much I’m enjoying and loving you at this age.

1. I love that you’re starting to speak now. Because your vocabulary are limited, everything that comes out from your mouth were expressed as if its the most important thing you got to say at that particular time. It’s unbelievably cute too when you add hand gestures when I don’t understand something. Every words either makes me laugh or melt. Like how you say ‘lalalalat’. Its actually just ‘lalat’, sayang. Or how you struggles to tell me your diaper is full. “Pampers pewoh.” Wrong, you tried again. “Pampers nonoh”. Or everytime you say “I love you Mama”, it always start with ‘you’ first and not immediately I love you. “You Mama. Love you Mama.” That will be the correct sentence to you. And if I don’t say I love you back, you’ll quickly remind me and say it yourself, “Love you, Daisy”. Of course I do, honey!

2. I love it that everytime I sneeze and forget to say Alhamdulillah, you’ll say it for me. A sweet little voice saying “Lalillah..” coming somewhere wherever you were playing.

3. I especially love the fact that you’ve been successfully potty trained since few months back. Wee-wee and even poo-poo in WC! You’re such a brilliant girl. Even your cousin Hannan doesn’t start training until she goes to nursery at the age of 5. Even your cousin Maryam who is 6 months older than you still wearing diapers. There you go, an extra saving every month for you because of that!

4. I melt when I see you play with your dolls or teddy bears. You treat them exactly how I treat you. Picking them up slowly from the toy stroller, cuddle them and say “Shhh..” as if they were sleeping but the best part is you even sing ‘La ilaha illallah’ song/zikr that I’d been serenading to you to sleep ever since you were born. Seeing that is like a testimony that I’ve done it right to you.

5. You’re a Monica. You know, Monica from Friends who’s a clean-freak? You’re even hygienic than me, its intimidating. When you eat and if some rice drops on the floor, you won’t continue eating until I clean it up. Same if you spill something. You won’t wear wet sandals. You’d freak out if your teddy’s leg got wet. You’ll be angry if I hold you with my wet hands. When you get into the car, you’ll tap your sandals together before letting me close the door.  Even I don’t do that everytime! And it gets annoying when you forget and you’d asked us to stop and open the window so you can do your ritual. This morning, you saw a dead fly (or lalalalat) on the floor and you took a tissue, picked it up and threw it in the bin! Mam would’ve just kicked it off with my foot! Now Mam understands why when I was pregnant with you, all I wanted to do is smell the Ariel detergent powder. Even had to put a box of it next to the bed!

6. You were such a cool girl when you lost your soul mate, Elephant. “Elephant tinggal..” you’d say when somebody asked. Even Mam’s still sulking for the loss of Elephant.

7. I love the fact that you’re not (or yet) the ranting type who throws tantrums in public. If Mam or Abah refuses to buy you something you want, you’ll just whimper for few seconds and let it go. You don’t hold grudges, you’ll be cool again almost immediately. Some good days, you’ll even put those things back where you got it from.

8. When people ask if you can sing any songs now, Mam just chuckles and say no more. Twinkle Little Star, ABC, Baa Black Sheep are for babies. You on the other hand, know almost every song from Take That’s Live Circus Concert. And if there was one song that is stuck in Mam’s head right now, that you skip to everytime you put that CD on, that you sing everyday for the last 6 weeks, that will be a memory of an exact moment in Mam’s life, its this song:

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9.  I don’t mind that you’re a shy girl around people you don’t know. Most people don’t favour that in a kid, but as a parent it becomes convenient to me. I don’t have to worry you running astray or chase you around while I’m enjoying a meal in a restaurant. You’d observe, take your time and only when you feel safe that you’ll allow yourself to venture out of your comfort zone. And they are yet to see how funny and such a comic you are. You’re more interesting than some so-called active kids, except that you are very selective to whom you expose that quality of yours to.

10. I love that you love me so much. And I can feel it everytime you cry when I need to get fit and go to climb the walls. Everytime you know you’d hurt my feelings, you’ll say “Sowee Mama” or “Sian Mama”. Everytime we argue about what you should wear you’ll end up saying “OK, OK” although you’re still crying and reluctantly put on what I wanted you to. Its a nice sweater sayang, but we’re going to the playground in Malaysia’s afternoon sun. If only you understand.

Ten things are only what I can write now. There will be moments when I’m home soon that will make the list to be countless. It’s such cliché to write about what a mother loves about her child, but if by some miracle what I write here survives in 10 or 20 years to come that you can read it, I think I’ll be glad I’ve chosen to write the cliché.

Cuckoo on Coconut

Salam Ramadhan everyone. Its late, I know. The usual me, you know.

I just want to share, I have a bit of crazy obsessions with coconuts. When I first arrived back in Malaysia, I’d have coconuts in my fridge almost every week. It was really rare to find one in UK and the occasional times I get to drink out of the shell at Thai restaurants were usually pricey. So to find its available at supermarkets and also cheap here in Malaysia is like one of the greatest convenience to me.

Surprisingly Daisy loves it too. I think I let her taste it when she was about 8 months, sitting on the dining table with my one hand holding her butt and the other scooping my way through a coconut. She looked so intrigued, so I let her sip a bit of the juice. Now at almost 2 years old, she won’t let me have my coconut alone. She’ll come running as soon as she sees me pushed in a straw and a tea spoon ready. Especially now during Ramadhan, the frequency of me having coconut has increased greatly.

It’s funny to think that eating coconut with my daughter is the only time I really, really spend a meaningful time with her. It’s not like while we are playing when most of the times its aggressive and she’s always running around, getting into my nerves. Or when we were tickling or wrestling on the bed and its so noisy with laughter and occasional cries. Or the time when I put on any Studio Ghibli stuffs and she’d be quiet, doesn’t want anybody interrupting her and I’d turn to my computer instead. This is one true quiet moment when she’s at still on my lap, she’s concentrating and waiting patiently for me to scoop the coconut meat to be fed to her. She gets excited when she finally see the soft, thin, white thingy in the spoon like yay, Mama finally gets it! Mind you, it’s not easy to catch one especially the thin ones floating from the juice. And she’d open her mouth wide, pushing it in properly if it falls off a bit near her lips. Then she’d turn to me and smile and gets excited again for the next one.

And I’d tell her things like, “Ooops Mama missed it” or “Alaa, susah la Daisy..” and she would respond in her language which I still can’t understand. Sometimes I’d slip real or serious conversations with her while doing my scooping, telling her how my day was and how she had to have her medicine so she can get better or don’t just eat chicken, she gotta have the rice and veggies too. It’s such a simple moment that brings big meaning to me, I’d never guessed having a coconut would be a thing with me and my daughter. And after few minutes of that, she’d be running back to her usual toy errands and I’m back to my usual tired self. But it makes such difference to have that, if not everyday at least few times a week this month.

Ini Rindu dan Mengadu Lagi

I once posted this photo in 2006 in my Fotopage. I titled the entry, “Ini Rindu dan Mengadu”. I was still in Oxford then, and missed her terribly so. What you didn’t know was that my mother wrote back to me when she saw it. This is what she wrote:

Gambar kita berdua brings a lot of memory to me. I never knew you still have that picture. It was taken by Abah using the old camera that is with you now at the compound of Majlis Daerah Kajang, in front of Immigration Department applying your international passport before we go to England. You were 9 years old.

My glasses was huge and funny and I am really glad that we were close and you were cute and today you are a beautiful woman and I hope you take good care of yourself like I took good care of you for many years.

I really hope you take care of your children like I took care of you. I can still remember how we planned for you to be an architect like us and you are now on your way. We took you to many places so that it will influence you to be what we have been planning. In a way we are close to what we planned before. Looking back we are actually living and planning for the children and we enjoyed it when we succeed.

Happy Mother’s Day dear mothers and children.

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