Timing Isn’t My Strong Suit
by shz
I was buying pisang goreng yesterday afternoon. I am a regular at this one particular pakcik who sells crunchy, delicious one that some weekends I would miss my lunch and wait until 3pm to be one of his first customers. Normally I would be on my bike with Daisy at my back. And it was only yesterday the pakcik made a conversation with me.
“Suka dia mak dia bawak naik beskal. Anak sulung ke?”
“Ye, sulung. Dia sorang je baru, cik.”
“Laa, satu je? Kenapa satu je? Ramai lah elok. Tiga, empat ke.”
“Satu je la dulu, cik. Tunggu dia besar sikit.”
“Awak ni ikat kot? Makan pil apa-apa ni.”
“Tak lah. Pakcik doakan la saya murah rezeki ye.”
I was quite annoyed that our first conversation was an inappropriate one. Discussing family planning with a strange man is really awkward, especially mentioning its methods. I mean, of course I do something to protect myself, although I have stopped the pills. Otherwise I would’ve ended up with four children by now! Ok, that’s exaggerating but it was such a random choice of subject from a pisang goreng seller.
I oftentimes realize that usually the ones that encourage me to have more children are men. Its quite rarely that I hear women do that. I kept telling Fakhrul that I’m not refusing God’s blessing, that when a blessing comes like when Daisy did, I accepted it. But I’m still not ready for another one. I want to properly plan the next one this time, so that I don’t have to accept the news the way I did with Daisy. I know, to some I might sound like some ungrateful brat, that there are others out there struggling to get one, or more. But for now I feel contented with just one, is that so wrong?
Lets face it, we live in a society that is sooo hard to be happy for other people. Its always a next thing after another, next question after another. When you were still single, they asked you when you were gonna get married. When you got married, they asked you when you were gonna have a child. And when you finally have a child, they’re gonna ask you when is your second child. Its like a never ending thing – you have to be like a cat with 10 kittens to make them satisfied. Well, actually I doubt if they will have any satisfaction at all.
Fakhrul said I find it hard to be ready for the next one because I’m too close with Daisy. What a statement – I’m her mother, what did he expect me to be? I admit, its exhausting to give Daisy my full attention but I do, because I don’t want her to grow up loving anyone else more than she does for me. I don’t want to fight for her love with her paid nanny! I want to know everything about her, so that I won’t have the mother-daughter issues I always fear about. But sometimes the process can be overwhelming and has taken the best of me. And its my job, not anyone else’s. Men might find it harder to understand, why I insist on bringing Daisy everywhere I go. I know I could’ve had more fun with my girls without her in Tokyo, but I couldn’t bear thinking of the possibility that she might not want me when I got back after 6 days not seeing her. Even for a day, or even 10 minutes, I refuse to experience that. Men might find it harder to understand, they don’t carry their children around for 9 months, feeling they move inside of you, bore the pain to push them out, having them suck your breasts with that lovingly eye contacts and more! Its more personal for women, its more natural for us. Honestly, I’m surprised I am this maternal.
Its hard being a girl in this constant-expecting society. A friend of mine is now in dilemma whether to leave his boyfriend or not because after 9 years, he just realized he’s not sure of marrying my friend. But because my friend is already approaching 30 and the society expects her to be married already at her age, she has to be in this dilemma. I told her, eff them. I know I’m in no position to say this, but I’d rather marry late rather than stuck after aqad with a wrong guy. To be frank, with all the men out there, certain men if I may highlight, misunderstanding the Islamic law, presuming they can abuse, leave or being a polygamist for the wrong reasons under the name of religion, hey, I’d rather stay single no matter what the society says. But yeah, then again who am I to say such thing? I’m lucky, so far, with my right man. And I married at the right time, happened to have Daisy at the age people expect me to. But not because I was fulfilling society’s expectation, but because it was the right time for me. And because it was meant to be.
I guess at the end of the day, you just have to turn deaf ears. People will always talk no matter what, especially those miserable, jealous ones who are not happy with their own lives. I know for sure family planning is not wrong, the ustaz said so in the kursus kahwin. There are even people who aborted their babies even when they’re already married, just because they’re not ready – I don’t want to become them. I hope its not wrong for the time being for me to be contented with just one child, I don’t know. But one thing I do know for sure, that pakcik’s pisang goreng won’t be as crunchier and as delicious as before.
Hi Shaliza,
I almost lost my temper today due to similar situation (or questions). Mine is why am I not married yet because I’m turning 29 soon. so biasa la kan, ayat2 ‘memilih sgt ni’, nak tunggu apa lg, ok dah la dia tu’.
I read somewhere:
You might be face to face with someone who has all the qualities you want in a partner on paper — smart, funny, attractive, driven, comes from a good family — but no matter how many matches you strike, you can’t seem to fire up that crucial spark that sets your hearts aflame. Forget about what people might think of you and focus on the connection you feel instead.
So i will be more than happy to forget about what others might think of me.
Well said. I think people who likes to ask these kind of questions are nothing but jealous or miserable with their own lives. They should know obviously that kind of questions hurt, its as if they’re trying to find faults or flaws in others to make them feel good about themselves. So yeah, never mind them!
I mostly don’t mind that pakcik, just an awkward conversation. But I do mind people who are soo sebok like the one you just mentioned!
hi fn. i normally only talk to shaz here but can’t help stating that i totally agree with ya.
only today i met a schoolmate and she said “jangan memilih sangat”. what’s that suppose to mean? accept the first guy who proposes just because we’re so afraid of being (called) spinsters? argh. annoying.
fn,
kita serupa…
nak share jawapan utk golongan2 nyebok nih di zaman ini
“its not how soon you got married but how long you are married”
shz,
well said, as always..
my initial thought was that this is going to be an entry about pisang goreng.
anyway, this entry really came close to my heart. 🙂 being a single in my late 20s is really an opportunity for a busy body community like these people. i don’t understand why whether i’m married or not has something to do with them. i’m trying to turn to deaf ears when they asked those sensitive questions but it came to the peak of my annoyance when they start stereotyping myself as being too choosy. i didn’t know finding a husband is like buying fish at the market.
the only answer that i can think of is “mind your own marriage.” fortunately those words haven’t blurted out so far.
One of these days you might find that it is absolutely necessary to blurt those words.
Yesss it’s like never ending. How come you ask such question to a person without knowing the true story. What if the couple try very very hard to have baby but belum rezeki lagi? Do they ever think about that?
God these people.
About the goreng pisang, try the one at Jenaris in front of the kedai mamak row, at the end corner towards Prima Saujana. Hehehe the pakcik sells goooodd doughnut too!
TAH! Or maybe the girl hasn’t met the right guy? Hehe
I think I know which one. But every time my office boy buys from there, the pisang is always not so hot anymore~ 😛
I just love this entry of yours. As always. 🙂
couldn’t agree with you more sara. sabo jela eh. now waiting for 4 months to pop out a baby boy insya Allah, kitorg dah start pk2 camner nk gap our children ni nanti. insya Allah, God knows best.
Afi !!! So sorry, busy living my life in Malaysia and I forgot to keep in touch with the ones still in Oxford! Congratulations!! Cant wait to see your baby!
And yeah, don’t worry about it. At least in Oxford takde la ramai org nak nyebok mcm kat sini. 😛
i) that’s totally inappropriate for the pakcik to ask you. i respect you for your politeness. i most probably would’ve made faces :p
ii) i smiled to myself when i saw you said “pisang goreng” instead of goreng pisang. i remember my BM teacher drilling us about it. haha.
i) I try to be polite. But inside I was cursing.
ii) I tweeted ‘just had goreng pisang’ then realized it was wrong! Learned my lesson after that. Nasib baik this post written after the tweet.
I’m a bloke and I get the same crap from people too about being too choosy. Well, of course I want to be choosy. My comeback is usually “Sapa nak kawin ni? Aku ke engkau?”
You are right about the “Bila lagi?” question pertaining to marriage/kids. I think it’s a Malay thing.
hi shaliza, im already 2+years married with no kids yet and same lah, suffered from those questions too. well, for me its better kalau ada 1-2 anak tapi anak dah besar jadi anak yg membanggekan, berguna drp anak 5 6 org dah besar sekor jadi matrempit, bojan, pailang dan sbgnya.well, yg satu tu pon kita susah nak jaga. heheh. i answered the same thing kalau org tanya “bila nak ada nih?” takpaham kenape dpt anak cpt or lambat or byk or sikit tu boleh menjadi ukuran. i agree with u, we should be like cats with 10kittens to satisfy the society.
A fat cat, to be specific. I don’t think they can be happy to see us with a dozen kids but maintaining being slim. Not that I am!
By the way Jay, I pray you murah rezeki soon. InsyAllah.
Cepat nya terasa with only one question/topic. It might not proper to start a conversation like that for two people who never talk to each other but as you wrote well up there, people around us likes to expect things from other people.
They don’t think. They just talk and express what they feel like to. If you asked me, I think that pakcik is just a victim of our so called culture.
Being no different from other people, mebbe it’s his grandparents, parents, relatives etc likes to ask such question to him. He is no genius nor special.
He got nothing much to start the conversation hence it leads to those kind of topic/question. Well, kalau nak sangka buruk, we can say how busy body he is. maybe another alligator baiting for meal.
But we have to sangka baik to everyone right? no? Anggaplah dia nak mulakan perbualan tapi tak tau nak cari topik apa just to get to know his regular customer…
mebbe if he know that u r an architect, he would change to topic to modify his stall.
Mebbe…
Mebbe…
Hahahaha. Good one. I specifically LOVE your email address!
Actually you should know there are two kind of people I was talking about – that pakcik and the society yg suka menyebok. You’re right, maybe pakcik tu is not included in the society yg suka menyebok. You know, the Malay in general likes to ask questions, butting into other people’s lives. But not all Malays included, like this pakcik. I just used him to trigger this topic to write in a post. But I did feel annoyed by his effort to discuss about the method of family planning with me. Maybe I should’ve mentioned condoms and some other disgusting things, maybe that would’ve shut him up for good? But I’m not downgrading him – I think he’s a bloody genius for his mix of flour for the pisang goreng. Damn sedap man! Even an architect can’t figure it out!
I feel that as much as I’m complaining about people’s behavior its a reminder to myself also, to not blurt all these offensive questions to people. Even sometimes it come out as a joke, people might think otherwise.
I could think of a lot of other topics he could talk about. He could’ve learnt from my makcik nasi lemak. She asked me if I live & work nearby. I can talk endlessly if he had asked that.
😉
sara,
If I’m in ur situation at the moment (beli pisang goreng yg sedap…) I’ll feel as ur feeling too..NOT the right time and also the right PERSON to chat on that topic!!!
xoxoxoxox.
“ikat” yang tak boleh tahan tu. lebih2 lagi from a pakcik?? lol! pakcik..pakcik…