Becoming Catherine
by shz
Catherine was my project architect when I was still an assistant back in Oxford, and my God, did I hate her. I would always come home from work with eyes freshly out of tears and even though my husband never met her, I’m sure he knows her as if he had worked under her himself. Obviously she was a woman and being a childless middle aged one doesn’t help in the maternal department. She was (or still is, I think) married to her career. The thing about her is that she is bloody good and so smart, that when you are wrong, you are wrong. Not understanding her pressure of having to deal with so many consultants, being an associate of some big ass practice, handling about 3-4 projects at a time and trying to distribute workload to her assistants made me feel so negative about her. How civilized you think UK can be, there will be one or two people who tend to fall off from the category when it comes to work. I was always being yelled at, humiliated and talked to like I was an idiot. She couldn’t accept the simplest mistake and often enough would expect everyone to be as perfect as her. She is a beautiful person to me and when she smiles, it really felt like you just came out from a black hole. But sadly enough, my days were approached with frowns and a troubled face I wish I didn’t have to see to start off my mornings. Suffice to say, I pledged myself everyday not to be like her when the time comes for me to be her.
Sometimes it doesn’t seem like a bad idea working under someone. You just do whatever you’re told, come in and out at the right time and try to stay out of trouble. But when you become the boss of yourself and others, there are a lot more than that. Sure, I’m getting the kind of security and authority at work like I never had in my life before, but the things that Spiderman says can never be true enough. With great power comes great responsibility and even after suiting myself for over a year and a half, I’m still not sure whether I’m ready enough for Spiderman’s kind of responsibility.
Truly, ridiculous. I tried not to lose my cool at work. When my assistants shit at the simplest jobs, I try to breath and reboot myself. I talked to them and tried to level privately by hearing their sides of stories. I warned them politely. But still after much give and no takes, how can one stand it? After all, I’m the one who has to face my principals and explain why I couldn’t deliver on time – not them. Even that my principals happened to be Mom & Dad, they don’t compromise professionalism at work. I still have to call them Encik Mokhtar and Puan Siti at the office, imagine that. Not to mention looking stupid when engineers, surveyors and clients question the lack of attention with our drawings. I mean, how can I tolerate when an experienced assistant mixed the word isolation with insulation? Its an isolation room, and do you know what insulation is? Or when they draw a bloody wall where a door should be? Like, how the hell are you going to get into the damn toilet, with superpowers? So I guess today I cracked. I was raising my voice and questioned their credibility as a so called experienced architectural assistant who are worth the salary they requested in front of every staff. I couldn’t wait to do privately anymore, a part of me wanted everybody else to know to what extent of the edge they can push me. The question whether it was right to do so didn’t cross my mind. I saved their faces too many times already.
Its amazing when your worker of the year could downgrade himself to if-its-up-to-me-you’re-fired kind of worker. Sure, everyone has their personal troubles. Financial or family, but he is not my only staff. If I have to consider his story, I have to consider other’s. I understand the tendency of a woman to become emotional is higher than a man, but at work, I tried hard to emotionally become a man. But you just can’t help it when people are sexists and think they know better than you just because you’re a woman, and that is something I cannot prevent to be pissed off about.
Somehow, I understand Catherine now. How unbearable the humiliation I endured from her, at this point I think it was necessary. I am better because she shouted at me, enough to make me piss in my pants and never repeat the mistake again. Being an architect, you cannot tolerate accuracy. I was an idiot then because I tolerated it, I couldn’t care about it. Deep inside me now I am thankful to her, for showing me that you cannot go far if you didn’t care, for making me realize that when I learned by hard, that’s when I really learned. Those people who thinks spoon feeding is better – sod off. It will never work, at least not here and now in Malaysia.
Sorry for leaving this place for so long. Now with this entry, I’m sure you know why.
yeah it’s hard to become a leader…. a good one especially.. good luck shaliza, you can do it!!!
I’ve been in the same position as yours.
I hate my boss too bits that I wanted to quit practice.
He yelled like hell, pointed out my mistakes like I don’t have a face to keep.
No doubt with his years of experience in prosecution, he is more like a walking journal. Reported cases are all at his finger tips. And he expects us to be the same.
There were times when i told him on his face that i hate him for he keeps giving me all the high profile cases to handle. The workload was badly distributed. I think he did it on purpose so that he can find ways to scold me but he keeps saying that “i have reasons”.
But after 2 ½ yrs working with him, I look on the positive side, how he made me understand the law better, how i’ve improved my advocacy skills and all. I know that he really has valid reasons. He was actually polishing the one that he thought can shine. Am glad that he chose me
Things happen for reasons.
im sure u can pass your “experience” to your assistant.
tho all the yell will make them hate you, but eventually im sure they will thank you.
gudluck sis!
Good for you!
catherine is just like my boss i guess. and he’s british as well. he’s very nice guy when in the right mood. but as u said, he too cant tolerate on small mistakes. i cried few times after being yelled. haha!
Yes, I cried too many times too. Just look at the bright side!
I’m experiencing the same problem at work now and my case is ‘Becoming Cheryl’ but with that shouting (which at the first stage I found it unnecessary) but now after ‘crossing’ that stage and with my partner’s guide to let me see in other perspective I could see myself grow and improve myself.
Those ‘shouting’ sometimes becomes the necessary item to make you feel scared and tensed and there is no other way to avoid those except to IMPROVE and KEEP ON IMPROVING.
Sidenote, Welcome back! Keep on writing.
I don’t think people would evolve much at work if they’re not being told off. You’re just an average worker and quite possible won’t go far that way. Hmmm… the things you have to take to jump up the ladder!
pardon my french but yes, either they can shit on your drawing or keep shiting so no time to finish your drawing
bottom line, in the interest of getting the job done, cannot be too friendly and don’t expect people to like u, esp when you’re working in malaysia
at least being the daughter of the boss, does give u some bit of auhoritative power.. so use it
I know. I thought we all can be friends but it seems that some people cannot differentiate between professionalism and personal. I’m enduring being hated at work and quite frankly I feel its easier to do my job this way!