by shz

I swear, it hurts. It has been over a month since I gave birth to a person. Somehow I still fail to forget about every single details that happened that day. Every tears and pain suffered is still fresh in my mind, I cringe whenever I recall it. I shut my eyes to remove that memory and hold Daisy tight to remind me that it was all worth it.

On Sunday after coming back from The Mines, I had the show. I had brownish discharges and I knew it was going to be soon. On Wednesday I decided not to go to the office. I felt cramps but it was mild so I could still move around like normal, only at that time this one had a rhythm. It started every 5,6 hours or so, and that night it became more frequent. It was like period pain and I could still bear it. I thought to myself, this can’t be labor.. I’ve heard all sort of horrific descriptions about the pain and labor can’t just be like period pains. I was up most of the time that night, sat my ass on a Swiss ball and move my hips around with it, doing the breathing. The midwife in UK told me it would ease the pain. At this point, Fakhrul and I could still have a conversation and a laugh in the middle of the contraction. We decided to go to the hospital at 5am, only to find out that after being poked down there by the nurses and my God did that hurt, that I’d only dilated 1.5cm. Sheesh, what a loser! Not even 2cm!

I had to wait until 9.30am in the labor room until my gynae came. I decided not to wait and went home since KPJ Specialist is just 5 minutes drive from home, I literally can see my house from one of its ward’s window. The contraction was getting stronger and I started to freak out. I threw my face in Fakhrul’s chest one time the contraction hit hard and as it went away, I looked at him and said, “Fakhrul..” And I paused. He smiled to me and said, “I forgive you.”

That second night I didn’t sleep at all. I was in labor and I knew it. I went to the toilet like God knows how many times to pee or discharge whatever I thought was coming out (not the baby), only that nothing came out. The Swiss ball didn’t do its magic this time and every time it happened felt like out of this world, and when one contraction was over, I was scared shitless about the next one coming up in few minutes. Yes, it felt like you were going to die. Yes, it felt like your waist down is going to part with your waist up. Yes, it felt like someone vacuumed sucked your stomach empty. Yes, it felt like all of those horrific things you heard people who went through it described. But I had to pull myself together, or I won’t be able to do this normally as I wanted to. Everytime I sobbed to cry, Fakhrul stopped me. Couldn’t get into that, or I’ll fall apart for it. I was so tired, so sleepless, hungry and thirsty and in the worst physical pain of my life. Couldn’t get any more uncomfortable than that.

When they poked me that time when I reached hospital, it didn’t hurt as much. The nurse said with a smile, “7 cm..”. Oh, that’s why. I can’t believe how long I bore the pain, but at least it was in a comfort of home. I didn’t care, I wanted epidural. If that what it felt every 5 minutes, I didn’t dare find out what it would feel like for contractions every 2 or 1 minute. They said it was too late. I insisted. I would rant like a child if that what it takes for them stick that damn needle on my back. And so I did, and so they did. I didn’t care what people are going to say or judge me all you want. I have felt the pain of labor.

Coincidentally, our office was appointed as architects for refurbishment project of that hospital and there was a site meeting that day. So Abah was around and Fakhrul went off with him to walk around the building and see the clients as I got high on my epi waiting to be fully dilated. They told me they will have to tune down the epi when the baby was ready to be pushed out. I thought they were kidding, but they were not! They said otherwise I wouldn’t know how or when to push and the whole thing will be bad. After barely 2 hours happily being numb, I felt something. That contraction again and they’ve reduced my epi! It felt like you haven’t been to the toilet in ages and you were about to give a poo of the year. I told the nurse that and my doctor came and she put on this plastic apron that made her look like a butcher, damn that was a scary moment.. it was time.

All I remember was that I wanted it over, couldn’t push any harder since I didn’t sleep that night. The pain was unbearable that at one point I thought I was already dead, but wasn’t. I screamed my lungs out and I felt sorry for the people waiting next to my room because they probably peed in their gowns hearing my horrific wails.

And then, there she was. Being surrounded by the nurses and then handed over to Fakhrul. I didn’t see her yet cos I still needed to get the placenta out and wait the doctor to fix down there. After everything was done, they handed her to me and breastfed her. They said the pain would go away when you see your baby’s face.. unfortunately for me, that was not the case. I’ve never felt so much pain in my life, all over my body. But I was glad she was healthy and I didn’t suffer any complications or such. It was all good.

Now all I have to do is forget everything that was painful and remember everything that was beautiful.