Home but Away
by shz
So, I guess I’m home.
I’m not sure whether I should’ve said that because in my heart, home is still back in UK. Where I have my own place and my own kitchen to run, my own bed to sleep on and custody of the remote control. The day we drove ourselves to the airport, somehow the weather was beautiful. Every landscape along the M25 motorway seemed prettier. The trees seemed greener and the sky was bluer. The endless roadworks and traffic of M25 that usually drove me mad somehow calmed me down. I didn’t mind being delayed, if it meant I get to stay longer on that land. But we arrived so right on time anyway, and off we flew to Malaysia.
The first few days were the hardest. I was sulking the whole time in my old bedroom where I grew up as a teenager but this time with a husband by my side and a baby counting her days in me. My awesome two bedroom flat has been reduced to this one double bedroom. I usually get off jet lag easily in 2 or 3 days but this time it feels like forever. As if my body refuse to get on Malaysian time and my mind still wondering off UK time. Most of the nights I stayed up were spent staring at the ceiling wondering what I would do now back there or watched bad tv. Like seriously bad Malaysian dramas with almost the same plot to each other and actresses overdone their make ups. Or empty talk shows that is nothing but entertainment and bad jokes.
The road pisses me off the most. I’ll never get out of a junction in my life again, ever. I’ll never walk one of those crossings safely because apparently they’re invisible and will never see a one liner que again. And what’s so depressing is that I have to degrade myself and become uncivilized like them to survive all that.
There were times I almost thought of flying back to UK. At least while I’m still less than 35 weeks. My limit was tested the day we surveyed places for my childbirth. Some of the places I went nearby that offers affordable packages looked so horrible. Even as privates, people were overflowing those places with at least one hour waiting time. There was one place where I saw the labour room’s door looked like a door to the toilet, without self opened door and God knows what it looks like inside. ISO standard? Forget it. I couldn’t believe I didn’t foresee all these before and regretted allowing my emotions lead my decisions of having my baby here. So what if I was to be alone back in UK when I first have my baby? After a tiring day of all that, I let my guard down and sobbed in the car with Fakhrul looking helplessly on the driver’s seat. I felt more sorry for him. I made him quit his job and left his wonderful practice, ensuring him that he could give a better happiness here with my family and friends by my side. Only that I was wronged by my own assumption and selfishness for being pregnant.
Have I became so spoilt with having to lived in a developed country that failed to accept the ways of my very own people? Did I helped designed too many hospitals that I’ve become this fussy? I hope 6 years wasn’t that long enough to make me this shallow that I couldn’t see the beauty of my own place and people. I hope I can still function amongst them and most importantly, find the happiness that I dreamed to have here.
Fakhrul said that this is not a small transition, that’s why I’m like this and it takes time. He said I’ve been jet lagged too long I haven’t seen all my best friends and eat all the good food. He said again that I’ve been sleeping all day all week and too fearsome of the current swine flu situation I haven’t been out much to have bits of giggle with friends I missed. That it has been raining too much I can’t enjoy the sun, although seriously, would I enjoy Malaysian sun? That I miss the loves of my life, Adam and Maryam who are yet to come back for good too, soon in few days. That the internet has been too slow even he could lose his mind. That I’ve been too tired and weak being in 32 weeks.
I hope he’s right. For my sake, I hope he’s right. I pray that he’s right.
salam sara..
welcome back to malaysia, but seems like…so touching and sad moment in ur life…I couldnt imagine it…no more tears sara…hv a good care on ur pregnancy!!!
welcome back home. i know it’s tough. i still missed dublin quite a lot even after almost 4 years. but i’m sure you’ll be fine over time. your husband is absolutely right. this is just a transition period, and soon you’ll definitely be fine 🙂
btw, i don’ know if you’ve considered Prince Court Medical Center? i guess that place would help 🙂
Thanks for your kind words. I think it gets better by day..
Prince Court is very far away from my place, maybe not so ideal. And don’t really think I can afford it though.. hehehe. Anyway, I found a nice hospital in my area. KPJ Kajang or Sentosa hospital some might referred. Thank God!
Salam Shaliza,
I have the same problem too. Thinking too much if want to settle down in Malaysia. Macam takut sangat lak kan. Hehehehe. Eventhough I’m in Fiji but somehow the quality of life and time is waaaaaaaaaaayyyy better than Malaysia. Tapi jangan lupa pepatah Melayu, “masuk kandang kambing mengembek, masuk kandang kerbau menguak” and “dimana bumi dipijak disitu langit dijunjung”. 😉
insya-Allah ok la lama2 nanti…
ada try tgk pusat rawatan islam Az-zahra / An-Nur.. kat area warta bandar baru bangi.. ramai suka pegi situ…
Those were the two I went and want to avoid..
glad to know that u’re getting better
insyaAllah, ada hikmah untuk semuanya 🙂
p.s: waiting hour yg panjang tu mesti kat an-nur kan? hehe…
YES
uprooting is never easy, regardless of the start and end places. it’ll get easier for u i hope. if all else fails, i’m sure there’s always the option of moving back to where you feel most at home right?
there’s a famous quote oft repeated during my (boarding) schooldays, ‘we came hoping to get out, we left crying to stay’. once a place has gotten hold of your heart, it’ll be a wrench to leave.
i better get back to work, have a nice day shz
Assalamualaikum Shzz…
sorry to heard about ur dilemma here in malaysia, I also faced the same problems with the hospital here in, for ur info, on 13 august, my wife gave a birthto a beautifull baby gurl at HUKM Bandar Tun Razak, I praised to Allah that everything ended up fine, my wife and bby survived the labour process,my wife alhamdulillah sehat,just my bby got “demam kuning”/joundice, and now is treated at Hospital IPOH.
At first i wanted to have the baby at private hospital, but after thinking about the budget and all baby expences we made decision to went for fgoverment hospital as i also a goverment servant, but now i’m regretted going for goverment hospital (HUKM), the services made me mad that i wanted to pounch the training DR. that I suspected dunno what they were doing, they just wanted to practice and on my opinoin done some of the experiment la..on my wife, the nurses there seems more knowledgable than the training DR…my advise, go for private hospital or specialist as this is ur first baby, dun go for goverment hospitals, there are many more things that i am not satisfied, but i will keep it with myself…..asked fakhrul to accompany ur during the labour process,this will help u and make u more comfortable….nice to hear from u again, and welcome to the clubs ( parent) soon……..
wassalamm
Thanks for sharing your experience, but sorry to hear that it was a bad one.
Of course, I’ll go to the private one, and I’ve found a place that’s at least up to a normal standard a hospital should be. I hope your daughter is well now, and so is your wife. 😉
You have your own valid reasons. And I always call it pre (put your place you call home name) disorientation syndrome. This thing you are experiencing did strike me not so many yonks ago, and adapting was so hard, that I shot a gloomy look wherever I go.
We people will never stop to compare. And we people always crave for the best. And the best over the worst always put us in devastation. And devastation is never easy to get rid. This sounds cliche, but please take your time. You’ll find your moment soon.
Stop these grievances and start to smile!