The Last One from Here

by shz

This will be my last post from Oxford, a place I’ve called home for the last six years.

It gets harder emotionally as my days are numbered and my things packed in boxes. It became real when they loaded my life in a lorry and I opened the door to my room, with only suitcases for journey home tomorrow. It seemed like only yesterday I arrived, a young, naive 21 year old full of hopes and dreams, only to realized today that those dreams came true and more.

So, I will journey home. I will go back to Malaysia. A place where Mawi has a world and Siti Nurhaliza rules. Where Astro and AirAsia are the only choices and TMnet broadband is slower than a snail. Where people follow Akademi Fantasia and those award shows. A place where I can’t find shoes for my big ass feet and where I have to spend more on European brands to find my size. Where it feels like one of those hot summer days you can’t bear, only that it’ll be all year round. Oh my gosh, apologies if I sound like some arrogant prick but that never really thought about home that way before. Just being pessimistic to be optimistic.

Truthfully my heart is full of fears rather than excitement, anxiety rather than happiness. Don’t know why. I tried to think again of those times when we made this decision and be sure that this is what we wanted. But really, I can’t stay on. I just couldn’t bear seeing everyone moving on and I’m all stuck here with my foreign visa and God-knows-what future. It”s hard to make it when you always feel like a second class citizen. Oh, you’re not eligible for this because you’re not from UK. Sorry, you’re not entitled to this benefit because you have no source to public funds. I swear if I hear this phrase one more time…

Is this doubt?

I don’t think so. I think this is just an emotional phase letting go. Letting go of a place that’s grown so much in you and all the things that you’ve got used to. Letting go being the one who knows it all about it and degrading it to someone who doesn’t know at all.

Life will be starting over hopefully for a better.