I really do have sympathies for my mother now. I mean, I love her with all my heart but I love her more now that my pregnancy has really starting to hit me hard. For the first time in my life, I feel so disabled. My walks are slower and I have to catch my breath everytime after coming up the stairs. I struggle picking up something that I dropped on the floor and my back hurts like crazy when I have to stand doing normal chores.
If you knew me, everything I am now is the opposite of me. I really am not the kind of girl who takes comfort lying on the sofa watching boring TV. My mind would constantly instruct my body to do something, jumping around in the house making noises with my steps from the wooden floors and every old ladies in the house would complain how ungraceful I was as a female. I mean, can’t do something quietly. Certainly walked faster than Fakhrul he always had to catch up. Now I feel like he’s pulling my hand. My sleeps are so uncomfortable as ever. Can’t cuddle the way I used to because the baby will start kicking like crazy if I sleep on my side. All I could do was stare at ceiling before dozing off and wake up again in the middle of the night wanting to pee three drops of urine. When I freaked out finding out I was knocked up, I thought to myself, well, how hard can it be? Juno does it. Hah, what a naive thought.
But thankfully I know some other women had it worse. I mean, I never really suffered until now. Even so, I’m all complaining over little things. Maybe I’m a late bloomer. I never craved or vomit anything in early months nor wanting to do crazy things. Now all I wanted to smell was a box of Aeriel washing detergent I need to put it by my bed so I can inhale the great smell anytime I feel like it. Geez, my baby must like things clean…
So, the sonographer told me it’s a girl. And man, I hope he’s right. In UK, you only get the luxury of scanning three times in a pregnancy. Its not like I can walk in some private clinics to see my baby over and over again to be definate about the sex. Cos soon after I found out, I was all filling up the space with girly stuffs that if a boy comes out, I just think he might have to wear a skirt. Don’t ask me about my instict, cos I have none. At first I wanted a boy, truthfully. Maybe because I’ve always thought that a male would survive the world easier. There’s also this fear of having a conflict between mother and daughter, having to experience one myself.
But then I realize, as my belly tightens and grow with the baby kicking inside, that I already love her. I am emotional just by looking down at my bump and even more when it starts to move by itself, almost dropping the TV remote that I put on it. It’s amazing how you could fall in love with someone you haven’t even met yet, getting her only the best things you can afford and put her needs first before yours.
Truly, now I just can’t wait to meet her, although I can faint thinking about labour.