So where do I start? How should I deliver this news publicly? Oh screw it.
I’m knocked up. Yes. I’m just over 3 months pregnant and before the end of this year, there will be a little person sleeping in between me and Fakhrul. I’m sure some could’ve guessed when I wrote this, but it was too early then, I didn’t want to jinx it.
I’m not going to be all fake about it, I admit, I was confused and shocked, although all my life I know this would happen one day. The only little happiness I found was knowing that we can conceive naturally. Having to say this, I understand now that I am not instantly maternal and for awhile I was quite somber about it. I was so scared of all the labour stories I’ve heard, but mostly I kept thinking about things I’ll have to let go.
Come on, you know me. You’ve been reading and seeing me for like what, few years now? Do I look like someone who sits gracefully and knit, wearing jeans with stretch waistband? Its so stupid saying things like this like some ungrateful brat, but that was what I felt then.
I was worried I was going to lose what I have now, losing control. Especially losing my youth. My times taking off from home and head for another world to see, my times to climb a career ladder to get to the top, times jumping on a car with friends and sang our favourite songs out loud without a care in a world and instead, having to settle for the pink or blue of a baby? Life as I know it, has ended.
And then I went home. Saw my family, talked to my friends and met everyone I had to. I listened to stories about how impossible this is to some people and how much this will complete me as a person and more importantly, as a woman. And then I understood the happiness. I can play out how unprepare I am for it all I want, but along the way, I must’ve secretly wanted it. Otherwise I would’ve protected myself.
And my youth? I am especially not losing my youth. My youth is growing inside me, moving about when I cough, stretching legs when I sneeze, looking like a bean. My youth is in here, doing well. And it will be great.