September Notes

by shz

vogue2

There are two magazines that I buy every month. One is subscribed. Black and White Photography and Vogue US Edition. This month’s Vogue US is 798 pages thick. It’s ridiculous. It took circa 31 pages of adverts to get to the content page. And God knows maybe another 31 to get to the second page of it. I paid an extra £1 this month so that I can see every single brand in the world’s new adverts. Ugh. So much for the great Anna Wintour.

T sat on my couch and picked it up, sarcastically said, “Why are you reading this thick text book? Fashion huh?”

I grinned and lectured him. Man, he wouldn’t understand. I think Vogue US is the best money I spent every month because with £3.25, not only I get to read some pretty darn good writings, I also get to see and keep a copy the latest works by some of the greatest living artists in the world – Annie Leibovits, Mario Testino, Patrick Dermachelier, Oscar De La Renta, Christian Louboutin, Norma Jean Roy, to name a few. Plus all the actors and movie makers, writers and musicians they talk in there.. I would say £3.25 is too cheap.

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I apologize to those who have added me in Facebook but still haven’t received any responses from my end. Its just that I have pictures of me posing inappropriately and videos of me dancing with my girls like monkeys. Yes – I don’t want you to know who I really am. I will think of a way to resolve this. Until then, there’s this living fear :

Stanford: Before I tell you, you have to promise not to judge.

Carrie: Do I judge?

Stanford: We all judge. That’s our hobby. Some people do arts and crafts; we judge.
-Sex and the City, Season 5

On a lighter note, I bought my most expensive DVD so far today. Sex and the City The Movie Extended Version 2 Discs Special. Simply because I just can’t hardly wait.

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I have insomnia for the first time ever in my life. Well not really, I have had trouble sleeping a month before my wedding but I always managed to fall at 4am at the very latest. But the last couple of nights have been a big mystery. I stayed awake until 7 am, fell for an hour and all awake again. I’m so exhausted, my body is so tired but I just couldn’t. Last night was the longest night in my life. Nothing but the sound of early morning buses on the road, the night blackness and alone with my thoughts. What thoughts? Nothing really. No usual work stress, no relationship problems, nobody backstabbing me.. I just couldn’t understand why I was awake for? Why was my brain so restless?

I would’ve gone down to the pharmacy and buy some sedatives but I’m so worried I might get addicted to it just like I’m addicted to nasal spray. I tried the spiritual ways of three Quls, recited Qursi and wudu’ but didn’t work just yet. I went into Fakhrul’s nook but couldn’t stay in that long cos I just kept moving and that would only make him join me.

What the hell is my problem?

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Have you ever seen Se7en?

I’m asking not about Brad freakin’ Pitt but the seven deadly sins. I think envy should be on the top of the list because sometimes when people who were nice to me suddenly treated me like shit and I just couldn’t figure out what I’d done to them to deserve such a thing, I simply conclude that they were jealous of me. Maybe mostly I did that because I just wanted a closure instead of questioning myself of what I did wrong, but I cannot help but find truth in my conclusion. I admit, without trying to sound like I am so full of myself, there are certain things in my life to be jealous about. Depending on which ground you stand on.

When I was a suffering student, I envied those who has started working and earn their living. When I was single, I envied those who had soulmates that clearly love them back. When I couldn’t buy anything, I envied those who could buy everything. When my mother started using the wheelchair, I envied those who had theirs drove them to school or took them out shopping. When my father wasn’t around or too busy working, I envied those who had theirs attended the Parents’ Day. But I didn’t push it. I learnt to be thankful for what I have, make the best of the little remaining happiness I could feel in my heart and live a life. Goddammit, some people suffers worst.

So here’s a little advise, big lady. Your life is what you make it. You’re only sad because you want to be and you’re only broken because you broke yourself. So stop talking down on people so that you can only feel good about yourself and live in your denial life.

Pity.

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