Home and Away

by shz

I’m home.

I was awoken at 4am in the morning with a jet lag in my head. My eyes won’t sleep Malaysian time and my mind won’t remove my worries. And I stayed around watching my sister sleeps beside me thinking this is probably one of the last times it will be like this again. I wondered around my mother’s house and sat on our dining table that is filled with invitation cards and names and addresses and everyone that might be on my wedding day.

So it’s really happening. I mean, I never really get the prespective of this feeling before. I was away and all I know that there will be a wedding. Now I can touch the invitation and everything that will be on that day. That the next time I see Fakhrul’s face will be the time I see my husband’s face. That whenever I’m home like this, my sister will be sleeping alone, or sleeping with Kak Nira, our maid of 13 years. My sins will not be burdened by my father anymore. My dedication will not be his so much anymore.

In two weeks time my life will be narrowed down to this. To this life with this man I’ve loved and cared for years, to accept his flaws and weaknesses as I accepted everything that is good about him. That single life stops here in this house when he takes me as his wife. That I will be passed on to him to be taken care of.  I don’t know what to feel exactly. Part of me will cry a sea thinking that my priority to mother and father, my sister and my friends will end. But the other part of me smiles joyfully thinking of the future life I will be in with Fakhrul.

Fakhrul Fakhrul Fakhrul..

Ah, so much can be told of me and Fakhrul. Our story isn’t any greater than anybody else’s stories and Fakhrul is not hopelessly romantic that every chapters of us have to be like some Valentine’s day. In fact we never celebrated anything in our relationship but this one that will be in 14 days. No date for anniversaries, no typical 14th February, no special days for us to have a nice dinner for. People oftenly celebrate love but what they missed out is that love is not enough for two people to be together forever. At least not for me and Fakhrul.

But oh boy, do I love this man. Every inch of his being and his presence. I don’t think I’ll ever do any better with any other man. I love a person best when I love my Fakhrul and I know this is so cheeky and lame and cliche unlike any other but I think this is probably the first time I write publicly about me and Fakhrul. Everything else before was just a parade of photos of us that I hope can translate itself. What I feel about him is just like those songs and poems and phrases and everything else lovers can relate to. And soon we’ll be more than what we are now.

I had hoped that this relationship will last long, but now I hope it will last for life. And just like Andy Dufrense said, hope is a good thing. And no good thing ever dies.

 

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