Filling the Blank

by shz

Saturday, 03.39 am.

I can’t sleep. I’ve been trying to since I crawled in at 1 am. And I can’t remember the last time I ever truly slept. It’s so hard to when my mind is constantly thinking, worrying and predicting, concerned of uncertainties and all that crap.

I’m worried I am starting to lose the joys in life, always anxious about my depressing existence and the routine that has made me this. I can not find time anymore to do what I like, everything else seems to turn into a chase of status, the big marathon to success when success itself is still subjective and undefinable. The money and the brands and the things I can afford and cannot. The insane comparison between you and me and everyone else in the world who does it better or worse. What is all this shit? And why do I even bother?

I pulled myself together for years reading architecture, loving its discipline and the feelings of it and wonders of what it can do, only to end up with predictable future and ongoing schedule of repetitions, and the only joy I could find with life is that my new office is freaking groovy and I work with two flat screens machine? And no matter how much I try to be joyful about it, I always found myself narrowing it down to one word – denial.

Truth – probably the time to seek it again will come after all. I found it once, lost it, and I need to regain.