Untitled Journal

What’s in the name?

Why does it matter so much what I said or how I said it? Why people bother that everytime I claim the opinions I am entitled to, a later explanation has to come along? I know now recently. They said it’s because of Shaliza Mokhtar.

Many might not know that my world is not surrounded by that name as much as other people’s do. My family and friends don’t even call me with that name, and they don’t even know who the hell Shaliza Mokhtar is. Sometimes I know Shaliza Mokhtar exists when strangers approach and shake my hand, but any other time, I am not her at all. I don’t know what the big deal is. I don’t know what happened or when exactly the name became what is has become. I don’t know what it represents, what meaning it brings and what does it say. Never in my life I would think that a name could matter so much, suddenly I feel a burden bearing it.

I never felt like I have to be careful writing my words, as if like people would care or have to agree or disagree to them. I never felt like now that I am this name, I have the power to write whatever I like and always justfied as right. Sometimes the problem is not me, it’s the one who reads. People only hear what they want to hear, they don’t care what they need to hear. Denial is always the best way, and ignorance is always a bliss. I don’t regret what I said about my delimma finding a photographer. In my perception it’s true that some of the things I’ve seen are just too ordinary. Nothing but direct copies and zero individuality. There is a fine line between passion of taking pictures and passion of photography. Ordinary won’t change anything. Passion is one thing, but sloth is another.

I don’t say this because I’m Shaliza Mokhtar. I don’t say this because apparently now that some people have paid attention to my works, I can write whatever I like. I haven’t achieved anything with photography. I haven’t made money, I haven’t won any prizes apart from coming second in one accidental small contest, I haven’t exhibited at major galleries, I even have to make my own prints! To my friends and family, Shaliza Mokhtar doesn’t seem to do so well with photography. She might even be a failure. Even her fiance who started all this thinks photography is just a phase in her life, like puppy love or angry teenage years that will soon past. So don’t put it on my name, don’t mock me when I introduce myself as if I am a proud name bearer of Shaliza Mokhtar. Shaliza Mokhtar isn’t that much of a somebody. Don’t take it personal, or seriously for that matter, because this is just another girl’s blog.

Because what’s in the name? And don’t tell me that which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.