I shut my eyes tight as the morning sun kissed all over my face. I rolled over to the other side of the bed, but no, it wasn’t any darker. The room was too bright to continue dreaming. One face appeared in my head – and it was him.
I couldn’t stop thinking of you last night. Between my hysterical laughter with friends and the rendang beef I had, you were everywhere. You were there by the window gazing at me, making my knees weak. You were sitting opposite me listening to my stories. You were leaning by the wall laughing at me. You were behind Kak Eda, grinning silently. Yes, you were everywhere, smiling lovely.
It has been too long already.
I don’t even remember why we parted ways. I don’t even want to know to begin with. It’s been bitter since we had our days, and everything changed. Maybe you’re not the same person I knew, and likewise to you. Maybe we were better off in distance, but my heart knows better.
I’ve missed you.
I’ve missed you forever, but I cannot tell you. What kind of woman who tells another man that, without him telling first? I don’t even care if you don’t feel the same way. I’m not sure whether I want you to know but here I am, writing I wish you won’t read this, but I secretly hope that you will. So that maybe if you do miss me too, we can talk again.
I wrote you a letter. I wrote your name and your address and sticked a stamp on top right corner, but I didn’t want to send it over. I was almost sure you won’t write back, and I will wait unbearably for yours and die empty. I was scared you might respond but what you’ll say is not what I want to hear. And I will lose this game, and I will be the one craving for something that was never real to you.
Was it truly real, as much as we felt it was?
Ah, it doesn’t matter now, does it? What’s the point of justifying something we’ve left behind for so long? What good can come out of it? That brief affair was long over, and all that is left were pieces we don’t even care to put back together.
But I will still be here.