Yet

by shz

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There’s always a moment in life when you ask yourself the meaning of living.

You know, the generic reminder of why you were born, what your life’s purpose is, why do things happen to you and how to find meaning in it all? Most of the times I feel like I have the answer to all questions. I know myself. What I’m capable of, what I want, what makes me happy and what doesn’t. But sometimes there will be moments when you are approached by doubts; either in a form of another human being asking you questions or in a form of information you come across.

To begin with, I’m not pregnant again. Yet.  And I’m about to write about the justification of it all.

Yes, I do want another child. Daisy is 4 this year and according to myself 3 years ago, the margin between her and her sibling should be about 3 years. Yet here I am, not even trying. Yet. (Now you see why this post is titled as it is!) Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me or is the society I’m living with makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me? But I’m not so sure, maybe not. Because when I was in UK back in October and meeting again all my friends there, the questions are all the same. The bombardment of wonders are all familiar: When’s my next one?

I don’t know when is my next one, guys. I wish I could recite the surah to those who has been asking and then like magic they will automatically get it. I don’t blame them for asking, it is commonly known as a natural thing for a couple to have another one after another and after the other. Upon facing such questions, I usually go for the quick answer, “InsyAllah. Doakan murah rezeki..” but if they are looking for a long one this is what my answer would be:

1. My brother and I are only 2 years apart. We didn’t get along very well as kids. My childhood with him are either quarrels at the back seat of the car, crying my lungs out for being hit or constant thinking of how to get even with him. I spend most of my childhood hating him for being my mother’s favorite. Thankfully, we are better as adults now; his brotherly character became apparent when he took me under his care when I first arrived in UK. But it wasn’t such a happy childhood for me living under one roof with him. I figured that maybe it has got to do with the age gap. Its not exactly 2 years – more like 17 months! In a way, I forgive him for the inability to be maturer than me whenever expected. How could he possible know more by experiencing life only 17 months earlier?

2. I still struggle with my relationship with my mother sometimes. I figured that most of the times it is because we are both the same big headed, egoistic, stone hearted persons we are. I know a lot of girls experience the same conflict with their mothers and that is something that I dread to have between me and Daisy. I even remember the foolish, temporary resentment I felt when I found out I was carrying a girl, “Gosh – not another me and Mama in this world” I would thought. Maybe if I have more time with Daisy, give her all I got like I do now I’ll get lucky. So far I have been and hope to maintain until she has a bigger mind of her own than now.

3. My sister and I are 8 years apart. It is a totally different thing. Imagine an 8 year old girl finding out she was having a baby sister. I got ideas what to name her, imagined how I would play with her, take her everywhere I go, love and protect her with all my heart. That still hasn’t changed and we have a relationship like any other siblings in this world should. A great one.

4. Almost on all of my grocery days, I’d encounter with seriously unhappy couple not embarrassed enough to show how unhappy they are in public. Most of them have a lot of children, I would even found myself counting how many they have. But what breaks me is how conveniently they show how unhappy they are with their kids. Scolding, yelling, slapping and most unacceptably for me is the use of vulgar and degrading words. Some of my period hormonal days, I’d give them a good stare until one of them tell the other to stop and have that talk at home. Yes, children are like that but there are reasons why they are like that. I believe it all starts at home. Do you tend to them, do you listen to them, do you care enough for them? I’m not a perfect mother, I have my weaknesses but aren’t we all children once? Don’t we know how it felt? There’s nothing worse than bringing a child to life just for the sake of it, unaware of responsibilities you have to bear. Urghh, sorry I sound harsh. I get angry just thinking of it.

5. Some couples are just blessed. They can have 5 and still make it look easy. They can still appreciate each other as partners, be the best at their careers and make big problems look simple. They can have it all and have it perfect. Never mind about me and Fakhrul. I don’t even know if I can even appreciate myself in a situation I feel incapable of handling. Or maybe I’m underestimating. This is just a theory.

6. Like any other couples, Fakhrul and I always talk about the future. Where will we be, what we will be doing and who are with us. For now only Daisy are involved in that conversations. We haven’t visualize our lives with more than just one child. That maybe because we don’t even know him or her yet, but the things that we visualize we would do – we won’t be able to do it if we have so many.

7. Most of my friends that I’m closed with are either just got married or still single. I don’t mingle with enough mothers to give me the second-child vibe. Stupidly, I blame them. I need new friends. Haha.

8. I am so contented with my current relationship with Daisy. I’m too scared for changes. Even within myself. I’ve changed too much by just having one! But it will be so freakishly cute to see Daisy and a sibling. That is worth being brave for yes?

Ahh.. I don’t know. Who am I to say or question what God has planned for me? Who am I to deny a child? I think a child in the early years are like a gift of unconditional love. There are days when I could smell like shit, have a laksa or durian with bad breath after and still have someone who insists on being close to me. Maybe my second child will be an accident, just like Daisy was. A beautiful, pleasant, resentment free accident. Or my third, or my forth – OK that will be too much. If it takes me this long just to have a second child crosses my mind, I doubt my uterus will even have enough time for a forth.

One thing I know for sure will happen when Daisy gets a sibling – don’t count on me to be spending so much time on this space!

And whatever it is – InsyAllah. Doakan murah rezeki.

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